Neurodiverse You Newsletter 5: Not All Plates are Glass
A newsletter series from Dr Miriam Mavia-Zając, Chartered Psychologist & Founder of Neurodiverse You
One true story, one clear map, and one 20-minute audit to stop spinning everything without dropping what matters.
From the Room I Brought With Me — practical tools from clinical work
She arrived with colour-coded calendars and a smile you’d trust your child with. On paper she was flawless. In the room she was exhausted – and a little furious at herself for not “keeping up.” We didn’t talk productivity. We put every plate on the table: tasks, roles, and the invisible ones too (remembering birthdays, being the calm one, pre-reading the school email because no one else will).
Then came the moment I love: silence, then truth.
“I’m juggling plates I never chose. And I’ve been polishing other people’s.”
That’s when the work began.
Mirror – A Story to See Yourself
Not all plates are equal. Most of us were taught to spin everything. In therapy we name the plates and their rules:
Glass – if this falls, it shatters: The non-negotiables: (essential medications, legal/visa deadlines, your child’s safety, rent/mortgage, your own health, final exams; making the exam or interview that changes a future, showing up for the person who depends on you). Protect these first.
Ceramic – can chip but survive i.e. The things that matter, but can bend: (most work projects, the presentation your manager wants sooner than necessary, the task you can swap with a colleague; household routines that can slip; the family visit or community event you can miss once without breaking trust). Renegotiate, don’t abandon.
Rubber – bounces if it falls i.e. The extras and the nice-to-haves: (the bake sale, optional committees, a perfect inbox, attending every meeting in person; staying on top of hobbies or clubs, tidying rooms that will get messy again, making every practice or social event). If it drops, it returns. Let it bunce.
Paper/Confetti – looks like a plate from afar but isn’t i.e. The image-maintenance plates: (polishing slides at midnight, ironing school uniforms to perfection, answering emails the same hour they arrive, cooking from scratch every night, agreeing to favours out of guilt, over-decorating agreeing to chair a committee out of guilt, “performative yeses”). They feel like plates, but they aren’t. Stop spinning.
Mislabelled – never yours to hold (The roles or responsibilities handed to you by default: a teenager raising younger siblings, a daughter becoming the “family organiser” because she lives closest, a worker covering for a manager, an older sister carrying everyone’s emotional load). Distribute and/or hand it back with care.
Even when life feels like a circus, your nervous system is already doing the hard work of deciding what to protect and what to postpone. The audit makes those hidden choices visible.
Method — The 20-Minute Plate Audit
Materials: scrap paper or sticky notes, a pen, and a timer (optional).
1. Dump — Write one plate per slip—visible and invisible. Don’t filter. Just dump it all out.
2. Tag – On each slip, add three quick notes:
- Cost (how much it drains your body (1–5) [1 = barely any cost (doesn’t sap energy. 5 = very draining (leaves you wiped out]
- Value (how much it really matters to you 1–5) [1 = little to no personal value (could drop it tomorrow. 5 = deeply important to you (aligned with your core]
- Owner (whose plate is it, really? Mine, ours, or theirs)
3. Sort — Now put your stickies into categories:
- Glass, Ceramic, Rubber, Paper, Mislabelled
4. Place slips into glass / ceramic / rubber / paper / mislabelled. Trust your first sense.
5. Decide –
- Protect the glass (block time; ask for help).
- Renegotiate the ceramic (one email, set boundaries).
- Let the rubber bounce (if it drops, let it. No apology needed).
- Bin the paper (you have permission to throw this away).
- Return the mislabelled (one sentence: “This belongs with you- here’s what I can and can’t do”).
Scripts you can borrow:
Renegotiating a ceramic plate
- “I can do this, but not at the level of detail you’re asking for.”
- “I’ll need more time if you want it done properly – does next week work?”
- “I can show up, but I won’t be able to lead this time.”
Returning a mislabelled plate
- “I’ve noticed I’ve been holding this, but it belongs with you. Here’s what I can and can’t do going forward.”
- “This isn’t mine to manage, but I’m happy to support once you’ve taken the lead.”
- “I care, but I don’t have the authority to fix this – it needs to sit with [X].”
Binning a paper/confetti plate
- “Thank you for asking, but I won’t be able to.”
- “I’m choosing not to add more right now.”
- “That’s not something I can prioritise.”
Protecting a glass plate
- “I’ll need uninterrupted time to finish this – can we reschedule?”
- “I can’t take that on, I need to focus on my health right now.”
- “This is essential for me, so I’ll need help with [X] if I’m to manage it.”
One practical tip: Pin three slips to your week, one glass you’ll protect, one ceramic you’ll renegotiate, one rubber you’ll deliberately let bounce. Your nervous system will notice & thank you.
In short: instead of trying to spin everything, you sort your plates so you know which ones to guard, which ones to drop, and which ones never belonged to you.
Why This Is My Lane
I work where systems rarely look: the cost of capability, the plates you never chose, and the ones you polish so well no one sees the cracks in your hands. What I offer isn’t a ladder out of yourself. It’s language and space so you can stand in who you are without apology.
Your Turn
One-click poll: Which plate will you stop spinning this week?
Or simply drop me an email at info@neurodiverseyou.com with three slips: one glass you’ll protect, one ceramic you’ll renegotiate, one rubber you’ll let bounce. I read every note, and with permission I may share anonymised lines next time so others feel less alone.
Kindred Work & References
- “Drop the Ball” (Tiffany Dufu) — on letting go so others can step in.
- “Essentialism” (Greg McKeown) — the disciplined pursuit of less.
- “Four Thousand Weeks” (Oliver Burkeman) — choosing what to neglect in a finite life.
- Spoon Theory (Christine Miserandino) — a language for energy budgeting.
- Job Demands–Resources model (Bakker, Demerouti, Schaufeli) — why demands burn and resources buffer.
- Five Balls / Glass vs Rubber metaphor (Bryan Dyson) — the classic image many adapt.
One last thought
Work with the plates that matter. Let the others fall with dignity. What shatters isn’t what you dropped, it’s what you never named.
Coming Up in NDY #6
Joy Is Data Too – reclaiming delight as regulation, rebellion, and anchor (with a printable “Micro-Joy Tracker”).
With warmth,
Dr Miriam Mavia-Zając
Consultant Chartered Psychologist | Founder, Neurodiverse You
If you feel moved to share a room you now carry, you can email me at info@neurodiverseyou.com I read every one. Or simply leave a comment on this post below.
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