“You’re doing fine.”
“You seem so capable.”
“You’re not like other autistic people.”
“You’ve got nothing to worry about—you always land on your feet.”
“I wish I had your confidence.”
“You’re so independent—you don’t really need help.”
“You’re lucky you don’t have the real struggles.”
“You're not like my cousin—he’s actually autistic.”
“I wouldn’t count that as a disability—you’re doing really well.”
“But you’ve got a job, right? So things can’t be that bad.”
“You manage better than most neurotypical people I know.”
“You’re high-functioning—you’ll be fine.”
These phrases aren’t compliments. They’re projections. They reveal more about the speaker’s comfort with not having to understand than they do about the person being spoken to. These words are often directed at people who seem to be coping—those who show up to meetings, respond to emails, hold down jobs, and smile on cue. People who look fine.
But how someone presents on the outside says little about how they’re really doing on the inside.
The Problem with “High-Functioning”
“High-functioning” isn’t a clinical term. It’s a social label, based on outward presentation not lived experience. It reflects how much discomfort others are spared by someone’s apparent composure.
If you're articulate, employed, or well-dressed and not visibly stimming or struggling, you’re often deemed “high-functioning.” The internal cost? Irrelevant.
This label obscures reality. It doesn’t capture the burnout, the masking, or the daily toll of trying to look "okay." It praises performance, not wellbeing.
Performing Competence: The Invisible Toll
Being seen as competent doesn’t mean the experience is sustainable. For many neurodivergent adults, competence is carefully choreographed:
Meeting deadlines while sleep-deprived
Appearing calm while internally disassociating
Relying on social scripts to navigate interactions
Suppressing stims or sensory discomfort
Managing tasks yet unable to cook or shower regularly
This is not a lack of competence—it’s competence at a steep cost. When performance becomes the only measure, it becomes a prison.
The Brain Behind the Burnout
Chronic Masking & Executive Fatigue- Masking demands constant prefrontal cortex activation—planning, inhibiting, monitoring. Over time, this leads to executive fatigue, where even simple tasks become exhausting.
Hypervigilance & Amygdala Activation- The amygdala remains on high alert in socially demanding environments, keeping the body in a low-grade fight-or-flight state. This contributes to emotional exhaustion, poor sleep, and heightened anxiety.
Hyper-Independence & Attachment Injury- Many neurodivergent adults equate asking for help with shame. Over time, this reduces activation in social reward pathways and reinforces defensive independence, often mistaken for resilience.
Redefining Independence
The Western model of independence, living alone, needing no one is a narrow neurotypical ideal. But humans are wired for interdependence. Neurodivergent people often thrive with consistent, chosen, and mutual support.
Redefining success includes:
Needing support ≠ failure
Rest ≠ laziness
Delegating ≠ incompetence
Interdependence ≠ weakness
We should ask not, “Are they managing alone?” but “At what cost—and is it sustainable?”
The Hidden Impact of the “High-Functioning” Label
Being perceived as “doing well” can trap people in silence. They question their own distress, invalidate their needs, and feel shame when they can’t keep up the act.
This often leads to:
Anxiety from maintaining the illusion
Depression from chronic invalidation
Identity confusion from long-term masking
Guilt when they stop “performing”
In therapy, I see clients who are not just burnt out from doing, but from pretending they’re not burnt out.
A More Meaningful Definition of Success
Let’s reframe success using these four pillars:
Sustainability: Is this way of living emotionally and physically viable?
Alignment: Does it reflect your true needs and values?
Support: Are you allowed to receive help?
Self-Trust: Can you show up authentically without fear of rejection?
Success isn’t about how things look. It’s about how things feel, and whether your life supports your brain, rather than punishes it.
What the Brain Is Really Doing
Prefrontal cortex fatigue explains why someone may function well in the morning but unravel by evening.
Amygdala hyperactivity contributes to social anxiety and inability to relax.
Anterior cingulate cortex overdrive leads to perfectionism, people-pleasing, and distress over perceived “errors.”
Neuroplasticity means healing is possible. With validation, boundary-setting, and alignment, the brain can rewire toward safety and self-trust.
Letting Go of the High-Functioning Myth: 5 Strategies
Reclaim the Right to Need Support- Start by asking: What am I doing alone that I don’t have to? Practice supported success by delegating small tasks first.
Practise Low-Visibility Rest- Rest isn’t always naps or stillness. It’s time without the mask. Build it into your day as a necessity, not a reward.
Use Internal Checkpoints, Not External Praise- Set your own measures of success: Did I honour my energy? Did I ask for what I needed?
Build Interdependent Systems- Share executive functions—meal planning, appointments—with someone safe. Use tools like shared calendars or body doubling as supports, not fixes.
Redefine Competence- True competence isn’t about struggling less—it’s about knowing your needs, respecting your nervous system, and working with your brain.
Final Word
“High-functioning” is a label that comforts others and silences the people it’s assigned to. It replaces curiosity with certainty, and nuance with assumption.
Let’s retire the question, “Can they manage on their own?” and ask instead: Do they feel safe, seen, and supported? That’s the only kind of functioning that matters.
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